Albus Dumbledore And The Lovestruck Plumbing
by SylvaDragon
Summary: At first it seemed like another normal Sunday at Hogwarts, untill the staff plumbing started behaving very strangely indeed. Albus had been hoping for a nice romantic day with Minerva, now he had to deal with chaos. MMAD, humourous short story.
1. Chapter 1

Albus Dumbledore and the Lovestruck Plumbing

Chapter One

It seemed to be a normal Hogwart's Sunday morning at first. Albus Dumbledore was humming contentedly in his office, as he lounged in a flowery chintz armchair by the fire, and looked forward to a peaceful romantic day with Minerva. The spring sunshine danced on the waters of the lake, and made the leafs on the trees shine like gems, for once all seemed right with the world - little did Albus know that soon his peace would be shattered.

Down in his dungeons Severus Snape had just finished taking a shower, now he was sitting on the closed lid of his toilet, while he put his socks on.

Suddenly a sultry female voice crooned, "Mmmmmm you can sit on me anytime you like, Lover ..."

Severus' eyes grew even darker than normal, as they swept the room, "Come out at once, whoever you are !" He commanded, as he drew himself up to his full height.

"Ooooooo I do love a commanding man ..." The same feminine voice cooed, in tones that seemed to quiver with passion.

Severus' glare fell on the toilet, which was raising and lowering it's lid at him invitingly. It sounded as though the voice was coming from his toilet, and his piercing gaze had already told him that no one was in the room. Severus stared at it dazed for a few seconds, then somewhat uncertainly said, "Is someone in my toilet ?"

"Only me, my angel ..." The toilet replied adoringly.

There was a stunned silence as Severus stared at it in amazement, there couldn't possibly be anyone hidden in there, which meant ... Severus shook his head in disbelief, "This is ridiculous !" He growled. There was only one thing to do, go and see Dumbledore, let him deal with it, he worked hard all week and wasn't going to waste his day off dealing with talking over sexed toilets, Dumbledore could sort this out.

Severus paused to glare at his toilet in disgust, then swept from his bathroom, his back rigid with icy fury. As he closed the door behind him, Severus clearly heard his toilet invite him to, "Pull my chain baby, you know you want too ..." Severus shuddered, when he found out who was responsible for this, they were going to be sorry, very very sorry indeed.

Minerva McGonagall was also in her quarters, where she was enjoying the luxury of a warm bath, filled to the brim with her favourite lavender scented bubble bath. Suddenly she felt something cold and metallic carress her lower leg tenderly, "Darling, you have the sexiest legs ..." A gravelly male voice intoned passionately.

Instantly Minerva shot into an upright position, at the same time her hand swooped into the foamy water, and closed around the bath tap which was stroking her leg softly.

"Darling, your grasp is like fire, full of passion ..." the masculine voice growled lustily.

To her eternal outrage, Minerva could feel the tap trembling slightly in her grasp, as though quivering with desire. "I refuse to be propositioned by my own bath tub." Minerva snarled furiously, her emerald eyes flashing dangerously, "One more word out of you and I'll turn you into scrap metal, and stop stroking my leg this instant."

The only answer was the merest of whimpers, as the tap froze in her grasp. Minerva pushed it from her angrily, then lept from her bath and without even bothering to dry herself, flung on her robes. Minerva was certain that she knew who was responsible for this, there was only one person who would dare to do this to her, and he was going to regret it. Slamming her door loudly, Minerva stormed through the passages of Hogwarts, trailing a cloud of lavender bubbles behind her.

As Minerva entered his office without even bothering to knock, Albus jumped slightly, then peered vaguely at her over his half moon spectacles. Just as he was about to wish her good morning, Minerva bellowed, "I suppose you think this is funny, Albus Dumbledore ..."

"No, I think it's adorable ..." Albus replied, thinking how enchanting Minerva looked with rainbow bubbles shimmering like stars, against her midnight black hair. He was just about to tell Minerva that she should wear her hair like this more often, when he noticed the fury in her blazing green eyes, and thought better of it.

"I am not amused by your latest attempt at humour, Albus Dumbledore !" Minerva snapped indignantly, "You are well aware of my opinion of your childish pranks ..." She continued.

Albus sighed softly, _'Why was it that Minerva always blamed him for any pranks that were pulled on her ?' _ Then he reminded himself that she did have some reason for this, after all he had played numerous jokes on her over the years. Albus' eyes twinkled merrily as he recalled, how he had once sent his entire sock collection marching two by two, in a multi coloured higgledy piggledy row to Minerva's chambers, where they had encircled Minerva in a giant heart, and serenaded her with love songs. Albus thought that his choice of songs had been a particular stroke of genius. First the socks had sung Heart and Sole while gently swaying from side to side, then You Rock My Socks Off as they danced a merry jig. Minerva however had utterly failed to see the funny side of it, and once she had recovered from her astonishment, had put her old Quidditch Broomstick to good use. When Albus had arrived in her rooms, expecting Minerva to melt into his arms in delight at his romantic gesture, he found most of his sock collection cowering behind the furniture, some were even sobbing pitifully. Albus had spent the rest of the day coaxing his socks out of hiding, and casting multiple Reparo charms on them.

Albus was vaguely aware that Minerva's lecture was still in full flow, as he remembered the time he'd decided to surprise Minerva, by putting a hot chocolate fountain in her rooms, so she could have cocoa whenever she wanted. Knowing her love of Ginger Newts, Albus had decided to make it into a Ginger Newt and hot chocolate fountain. He'd utterly failed to foresee that the Ginger Newts would get stuck in the jets, and that the entire thing would explode, showering Minerva's normally pristine chambers with tepid cocoa and soggy biscuits.

"ALBUS ! Are you listening to me ?" Minerva thundered suddenly, "Stop daydreaming while I'm lecturing you !"

"What ?" Albus asked absentmindedly, as he replaced his glasses which had fallen off his nose when Minerva yelled at him, and made him jump for the second time that morning. "Oh ...Ah ...Yes absolutely ..."

Minerva glared at Albus in exasperration, honestly what was the point in wasting perfectly good lectures on people who didn't listen. "Then whatever possesed you to enchant my bathtub to make ..." Minerva paused and blushed slightly, "Erm overtures to me ?"

"You had a bath without me ?" Albus asked sadly, he loved the baths that he shared with Minerva.

"Really Albus, I can't always share my baths with you ...besides you will insist on using lemon drop scented bubbles when we bathe together, and personally I object to smelling like candy for the rest of the day." Minerva snapped, her mind still on her badly behaved bathtub.

"We could use hot chocolate scented bubble bath instead," Albus suggested hopefully, perhaps he could tempt Minerva to share a bath with him now. "Or what about Ginger Newt scented ?" He added, even more hopefully, it seemed a delightful idea to him.

Once again Minerva shot an irate glare at Albus, "Albus will you stop waffling, and focus on the matter at hand." She commanded, "After all me being accosted by my bathtub is a most serious matter."

"What ?" Said Albus, wondering if he'd heard correctly.

"I KNEW you weren't listening !" Minerva said triumphantly, "You always daydream during my lectures ..."

"Only about you, and how beautifull you are my Dear." Albus interupted softly, his light blue eyes sparkling adoringly.

Minerva couldn't help but smile lovingly at this, she never could stay angry with Albus for long. Impulsively Minerva leaned forward, and kissed Albus gently on the cheek, felt his arms around her, drawing her onto his lap. "I know you probably meant it as a romantic gesture ..." She started to say. Albus' lips on hers silenced her tenderly, as their kiss ended, Albus said quietly, "My Dear I assure you I don't know what you're talking about, whatever happened was not my doing."

"Oh ..." Said Minerva slightly nonplussed, she'd been so convinced that it was another one of Albus' pranks. "I just thought ..." she said awkwardly.

"It's quite all right my Darling," Albus answered gently, "I know I have played many jokes on you in the past, you certainly had ample cause to suspect me. Now why don't you tell me all about it ...Once I've kissed you again."

Albus tried desperately to keep his eyes from sparkling in amusement, as Minerva told him in indignant tones all about what had happened. Once she had finished, Albus assured her again that it was not his doing, and promised to investigate. After a warm farewell kiss, Minerva left to dry herself and put her hair into it's normal prim and proper bun, leaving Albus to commence his investigations. As the door closed behind Minerva, Albus tried to focus his mind entirely on the problem with Minerva's bathtub, and supress his regret that he hadn't been one of those bath taps, that had so daringly carressed Minerva's leg.

Just as Albus was about to leave his office, there was an indignant knock at his door. In response to Albus' invitation to, "Please Come in," The door swung open to reveal the pale features of the Potions Master. Albus immediately noticed the familliar signs of Severus being in a bad mood, he had a distinctly harrassed look on his face, and his eyes were dark and glowering. Severus refused all Albus' offers of 'nice soothing lemon drops' or 'calming mugs of hot chocolate'. Instead he insisted on pacing back and forth in an agitated manner, as he launched into an outraged tirade about flirtatious talking toilets, and why couldn't poor overworked Potions Masters even have a Sunday shower in peace.

By the time Albus had endured Severus' lecture, on how discipline at Hogwarts ought to be improved, and what exactly ought to be done to the people responsible, he had a slight headache, which was only soothed by several lemon drops in quick succession. Once the thumping in his head had eased, Albus left his office, still sucking a lemon drop, to investigate the morning's strange occurances.

_Author's Notes_

_Please review, getting reviews makes me dance happily and then trip over the dog. :D This was going to be all one chapter, but I finally decided it was too long for a oneshot, so I've split it in two and am posting both chapters at once. It's probably complete, but I'm not absolutely sure, depends on my inspiration I guess. _


	2. Chapter 2

Albus Dumbledore and The Lovestruck Plumbing

Chapter Two

Albus couldn't help but chuckle softly to himself as he strolled along the passages of the castle. While Minerva and Severus had found the morning's events annoying, Albus thought them most entertaining - he couldn't quite decide whether to go and see Severus' talking toilet first, or the bath tub that had dared to caress Minerva so saucily. Just as Albus entered the corridor where the second floor staff bathrooms were, he saw a clearly shaken Professor Flitwick hurrying towards him.

"My dear Filius, what is wrong ?" Albus asked gently.

"Dumbledore ...thank Merlin ..." Filius spluttered, so distressed he could hardly speak.

Albus noticed how Filius was white faced and trembling all over, so he rested a soothing hand on Filius' arm, and said, "Calm yourself, my dear Filius, and tell me what has happened."

"I'm never going in That bathroom again, ever again ..." Filius said as he almost bounced up and down in agitation.

Albus patted Filius on the arm a few times, then said softly, "Take your time, my dear fellow, but when you feel ready it really would be most helpfull, if you could tell me exactly what happened ...perhaps a lemon drop would calm your nerves ..."

After a few seconds pause, Filius said, "I just popped in to wash my hands, and I didn't expect ...I never expected ...I'd just turned the sink tap on, when it blew a kiss at me, and then it called me a little cutie and told me how much I turned it on." Filius ran a trembling hand across his forehead, "I only had one glass of firewhiskey last night ...it's never had that effect before ..."

"I doubt it was the firewhiskey, my dear Filius." Albus replied soothingly, "There have been other reports of similar occurances, today." The corners of Albus' mouth twitched, as he remembered what had happened to Minerva and Severus.

"Thank Merlin for that !" Said Filius, who'd almost begun to fear for his sanity.

"May I suggest a nice warm mug of cocoa, and pray do not worry Filius, I shall go and investigate immediately." Albus said calmly.

As Filius made his way to the kitchens, Albus stepped lightly towards the staff bathroom, as his blue eyes sparkled with curiosity and amusement.

As Albus entered the bathroom, he glanced around him sharply, all the plumbing seemed to be behaving perfectly normally. As Albus walked towards the sinks on the far wall of the room, he heard a sultry female voice coo, "Oh you're just my type, Lover Boy ..."

Spinning round, Albus saw an antiquated silver shower wiggling it's pipes at him provocatively. "Come over here and let me shower you with love ..." It invited lustily.

Albus' eyes twinkled merrily and he chuckled softly, as he answered courteously, "A most delightfull offer, but I fear I must decline."

At once the shower began to sob pitifully, as droplets of water started to fall from the shower head, like giant tears. Albus couldn't help but feel slightly guilty for having made it cry, and felt he really ought to try to soothe it's clearly wounded feelings somehow. So he started to pat the shower head gently, while whispering, "There, there, don't cry, there, there, there ..."

As the shower's sobs eased, Albus murmured a final, "There, there ..." And turned to leave. Instantly the shower broke into loud wails which reverberated around the bathroom. With a slightly haunted expression on his face, Albus resumed his patting and his calming words.

"Promise you'll never leave me ..." The shower pleaded, as it rested it's metallic head against Albus' shoulder, and dripped tepid water down his robes.

For the tiniest fraction of a second Albus looked utterly panic stricken, then he regained his customary calmness, and answered. "My dear shower I would, of course, love to stay. Unfortunately I am a very busy man, and have urgent matters to attend to." Before the shower could start to wail again, Albus added rapidly, "I will however return later ...you have my word on it."

"I'll only let you leave if you kiss me." The shower said firmly, as it fastened it's pipes around Albus' waist in a vice like grip.

Albus silenced a groan, it seemed he had no choice. _'I just hope Minerva never hears about this.' _He thought, as he pressed his lips gingerly against the ancient metal, which tasted of old soap and shampoo. "And now I really must leave." Albus said, as he disentangled himself from the pipes, then with a final pat, left the staff bathroom.

Once in the corridor, Albus crammed several lemon drops into his mouth at once, in a desperate attempt to get rid of the taste of ancient soap. After a few minutes Albus began to feel slightly queasy, as he discovered that he now had soap flavoured lemon drops. Albus sighed sadly, then forced himself to concentrate on his investigation, and on what he should do next.

Finally he decided that he should try to discover if all of the school's plumbing was affected, the best way to do this was to continue his journey around the castle. As Albus strolled along the passages of Hogwarts, occasionally poking his crooked nose into bathrooms to check for more lovestruck plumbing, he noticed how nearly everyone was discussing the mornings events. This didn't surprise him at all, it was impossible to keep anything a secret for long at Hogwarts. What did pleasantly surprise him was how the mood in the castle had lightened, on numerous occassions he encountered groups of students, portraits, and ghosts all in fits of laughter. Albus sighed, Minerva of course, would be outraged that her encounter with the bath tub was now common knowledge, Severus would be furious, and would doubtless demand severe consequences for anyone caught discussing his flirtatious toilet. It could not be denied however, that the rest of the school found the whole thing hillarious, and that the gloom which had hung over Hogwarts recently had lifted.

As Albus entered a corridor near Gryffindor Tower, he saw the unmistakable ginger hair of the Weasley twins, at the far end of the passage. The two boys were so intent on their conversation, that they didn't notice Albus stepping lightly towards them.

As he approached the twins, Albus heard Fred Weasley say to his brother George, "And Snape's toilet started talking to him, you won't believe it, but it actually seemed to fancy him !"

At once George erupted into helpless laughter, and spluttered, "Bloody Hell, it was almost worth loosing all those potions ..."

Albus' eyes gleamed in understanding and triumph, as he quietly drew closer to the two boys. _'I might have known it'd be something to do with those two.' _He thought.

"Yeah ..." Fred agreed ecstatically, "I wish I could have been there to see it."

"Snape must be furious, the whole school's laughing at him." George said gleefully, then a look of aprehension passed across his face, "He'll kill us if he finds out it was us ..." He groaned.

"Oh blimey !" Fred muttered, looking equally worried.

"Ah, the two Mr Weasleys ..." Albus said, as he came up behind the twins and put one hand on each of their shoulders, both boys promptly lept in the air as though shot. "Am I to assume that this outbreak of lovestruck plumbing is another one of your pranks ?" Albus asked, as he tried desperately not to twinkle.

For a couple of minutes all Fred and George could do was gawp at Albus in dismay, then they both began to babble at once.

"No Sir, not at all ..."

"Only accidentally, Sir ..."

"We didn't even know it'd do that when we put the potions in the tank, Sir." George added, then clapped his hand over his mouth in dismay.

Fred glared at his twin, and kicked him hard in the shin, "Shut up you idiot !" He growled.

Albus barely managed to surpress a chuckle, and retain his stern headmaster's face, as he asked. "So, it was you two who put potions in the school's plumbing system ? Love potions I assume ?"

George shuffled uneasily from one foot to another at this question, while Fred ran his hands despairingly through his ginger hair. Dumbledore was looking unusually stern, and they'd already been in trouble once before for bringing love potions to school. Again there was silence for a couple of minutes, then as they so often did, both boys answered at once.

"We didn't mean to ...I mean we didn't plan it ..." George said desperately.

"Only accidentally, Sir. Not a prank ...honestly Sir." Fred answered.

"Though it would have been a brilliant prank if we had thought of it, but we didn't." George said almost regretfully, then narrowly avoided another kick from his twin, who was glaring at him in exasperation.

"Please explain how you managed to 'accidentally' put love potion in the castle's plumbing." Albus commanded firmly, as he fought to keep a straight face.

Fred and George glanced at each other in despair, then as George seemed unable to answer, Fred started to explain.

"Well Sir," Fred began uneasily, "We had some potions, love potions ...which we'd hidden ..." Fred glanced up at Albus uneasily, but found his headmaster's face unreadable. There was no point even trying to lie to Dumbledore, he'd just have to tell the truth and hope Dumbledore wouldn't be too angry. Taking a large gulp of air, Fred continued his explanation, "We'd hidden them in a room on the top floor, where no one normally goes, and we'd just gone to get them, when our lookout said Snape ...I mean Professor Snape was coming along the corridor, and there wasn't time to think ...So we shot into the nearest room but there was nowhere to hide them ...and we didn't want to get caught with them. So then we saw this big metal tank, and we threw them in there Sir, so we didn't mean it as a prank at all, we were just hiding them, and it shouldn't have had that effect on the plumbing anyway, it was only ordinary love potion." Fred finished.

"Unless it was the chocolate ..." George muttered uneasily.

"You mean you added an extra ingredient too ?" Fred gasped.

"Oh dear ..." Albus said softly, then after a few seconds pause asked, "What was your extra ingredient ?"

"Oh it was just some old herbs I found in the kitchens, Sir" Fred answered.

"Oh dear ..." Albus said again, "Really boys, you cannot just randomly add extra ingredients to potions, it renders the effects utterly unpredictable, as you have discovered today."

"Sorry Sir ..." Fred and George said at once, "I just thought it needed some extra flavour ..." George added.

"Yeah me too ..." Fred said.

"Furthermore, as you are both aware, love potions are not permitted in the school, and I have had cause to speak to you both about this before ..." Albus said sternly, his eyes steely as he glanced at the twins.

Both boys hung their heads and looked miserably at the floor, they were for it now, Dumbledore might even expell them both, if he was angry enough.

For several minutes Albus stared piercingly at Fred and George over his half moon glasses, though he had found today's antics most amusing, bringing love potions to school was strictly forbidden and with good reason. Finally Albus spoke, "However, since todays little escapade provided some much needed amusement for the school in these dark times, we'll say no more about it. I must warn you though, that if you break the rule about love potions again the consequences will be severe."

Albus' eyes sparkled merrily at the gleefull disbelieving looks on the twins faces, this was one of the reasons he had chosen teaching, he loved being surrounded by joyous youthfull faces, and liked nothing better than seeing his pupils happy.

"Thank you Sir." Both boys said happily, scarcely able to believe their luck.

"I believe you both have quidditch practise now, don't you ?" Albus asked, when both twins nodded, he said genially, "Well off you go then, can't have you missing Quidditch practise, Professor McGonagall would be most displeased."

As the twins shot off down the passage, Albus began to wonder what exactly was in the potion, and how best to return the school's plumbing to normal.

After he had returned to his office, Albus summoned Severus and explained the cause of the problems with his toilet, then requested that the potions master put his expertise to use in solving the problem. When Severus demanded to know how potions had got into the plumbing system, Albus simply said that it had been an accident. Then before Severus could ask any more questions, had suggested that Severus try to return things to normal as soon as possible. Severus had left Albus' tower, grumbling under his breath about "Why was he always the one who had to sort things out ?"

Before Albus could go and tell Minerva that his investigation was complete, there was a knock at the door, and Minerva entered. Albus was sorry to notice that her hair was back in it's normal firm bun, and that all trace of sparkling iridescant bubbles was gone. He sighed softly, she always looked beautifull, but he particularly loved to see Minerva with her raven locks flowing free - and this morning's bubbles had made her look utterly enchanting to him.

"Well ?" Minerva demanded.

Albus sighed again, as he noticed how rigid and stiff her posture was, and how her face wore it's most prim expression, obviously Minerva was still outraged by her bath tub's flirtatious behaviour. "My investigation is complete my dear ..." He said triumphantly, then began once again to explain. "So, you see my darling, everything will soon be back to normal. Severus is working on a solution now, and you will soon be able to bathe again." Albus finished happily, as his bright blue eyes twinkled hopefully at Minerva, perhaps they could even have a nice bath together later.

"Really ?" Minerva answered, her arms folded across her chest, in a way that gave Albus a slightly uneasy feeling.

"Yes my dear, you can be assured the problem will soon be solved." Albus replied, as he tried to ignore the disconcerting way Minerva was staring at him.

"Indeed ..." Minerva snapped, "There's just one problem with that ..."

Albus vaguely noticed that the uneasy feeling was growing decidedly stronger, as he answered softly, "My dear Minerva, if you tell me what the problem is, then I promise you that I will solve it."

"Good, because I demand a female bath tub !" Minerva replied in her most determined voice.

For a couple of minutes all Albus could do was gaze at Minerva dumbfounded. "What ?" he eventually said, as he wondered if he'd heard correctly.

"I demand a female bath tub." Minerva repeated firmly, "I am never getting in that bath tub again, I refuse to have a male bath tub see me naked. It spoke to me in a male voice, quite clearly it is male, that is unacceptable."

"As you wish my darling ..." Albus answered gently, "I shall arrange to have your bath tub replaced with one of the other ones ..."

"No !" Minerva interupted. "They might be male too, I insist upon a bath tub which is definitely female, I refuse to use one unless you can gaurantee that it is female."

Once again there was a stunned silence from a slightly bewildered Albus, finally he said softly, "But Minerva, how ever does one tell what sex a bath tub is ?"

"Perhaps you turn it upside down and look ..." Drawled Phineus Nigellus, from his portrait on the wall.

Instantly Minerva turned to glare at the painting, with fire in her eyes, while Albus supressed a chuckle.

"You will just have to go and talk to all the bath tubs, untill you find one that has a female voice." Minerva commanded firmly, "And make sure they aren't just pretending to be female either. I refuse to be oggled by my bath tub."

"But ..." Said Albus, "Aren't you worried that a female bath tub might see me naked ?" Ever since seeing Minerva covered in bubbles this morning, Albus was filled with longing for one of their shared baths, which they often took in her chambers.

"Well it'll just have to close it's eyes won't it !" Minerva snapped matter of factly.

"But, Minerva my darling, I don't think bath tubs have eyes ..." Albus answered.

This time Minerva's fiery glare was directed at Albus, as she looked rather as though she would like to shake him. "Don't be silly Albus ! Everyone knows that bath tubs don't have eyes, what are you talking about ?" Minerva snarled fiercely.

Albus opened his mouth to speak, then seemed to think better of it and closed it again.

"Really Albus, stop sitting there opening and closing your mouth like a confused goldfish, and go and find me a female bath tub at once." Minerva commanded.

"Yes my dear." Albus said softly, and pausing only to pick up a fresh tin of lemon drops, set off to talk to every bath tub in the castle. _'Whatever makes Minerva happy.' _He thought to himself as he left his nice warm office, _'And once I find one perhaps I can persuade her to have a nice bubble bath with me.' _Albus' eyes sparkled in anticipation, and he hummed merrily to himself as he sucked a lemon drop, then blew a mournful bubble, as he discovered that he still had the remnants of ancient soap in his mouth.

_Author's Notes_

_If you enjoyed reading this then please review, reviews are wonderfully inspiring and paint dull winter days with sparkly bits. :) I do feel a third chapter might be needed, though I always intended to end the story here, since this is where my inspiration left me. However some ideas did drift into my mind yesterday, so maybe lol. Thanks for reading. Hope you it tickled your funny bone. _


End file.
